no backspace button allowed, today

I was really afraid of turning 28. I don’t know why; maybe because I don’t feel 28, or because getting older means I can’t act younger; maybe the thought of another generational gap is intimidating/saddening.

Dude, this past year has been hard. Maybe the reason I’m so nervous about getting older is because if 27 was hard, will 28 be harder and 29 will be insane and 30 will kill me?!

I think I’m learning more about who I am. All these stretches are because I’m changing from an immature early-twenties-year-old to a mature, sophisticated-but-still-lively-late-twenties-year-old. I’ve heard age actually brings an element of awesomeness. Women who are in their 30s say they would never go back; life just keeps getting better, they say. Dear God, please, yes.

I’ve questioned everything. Every decision. Every experience. I’m doubting myself; cheering myself on; challenging myself; allowing a little more wiggle room. And, Dear God, am I struggling, but not in a bad way. Think of a butterfly. I’m sure there’s struggle there, right? Just before she breaks out of her cocoon and turns a more beautiful face to The World Formerly Known As STUCK TO THE GROUND, she gets to fly- after she struggles. I hope that for me.

I don’t know what it’s going to take. But I know this for sure, I have to figure things out about myself.

I need a Third Place. Know what that is? You have Home (first place), Work (second place) and a Third Place to go to get away from First and Second Places. A friend told me of this treasure, last week, and I still can’t get it out of my head. I need one of those. Japan has nothing. That I know of, anyway. I’m still looking.

I’m glad I’ve been sticking up for myself. There’s a little voice I have and it tells me, “Deal with it. Suck it up. Just take it, absorb it and move along.” I shut that voice up, this year, with a small slap. It’s not allowed to tell me those words as often, anymore. I know the value of balance, but I just need a season of duck-and-jab, I guess.

There’s a Natasha Bedingfield song I’ve had on repeat these last couple days because it really speaks to me and where I am in life, right now. Take a gander, it might speak to you, too:

Here are the lyrics:

Everyday I fight for all my future somethings
A thousand little wars I have to choose between
I could spend a lifetime earning things I don’t need
That’s like chasing rainbows and coming home empty

And if you strip me, strip it all away
If you strip me, what would you find
If you strip me, strip it all away
I’ll be alright

Take what you want steal my pride
Build me up or cut me down to size
Shut me out but I’ll just scream
I’m only one voice in a million
But you ain’t taking that from me (oh ooh)
You ain’t taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain’t taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain’t taking that from me (oh oh)
You ain’t taking that!

I don’t need a microphone yeah
To say what I’ve been thinking
My heart is like a loudspeaker
That’s always on eleven

And if you strip me, strip it all away
If you strip me, what would you find
If you strip me, strip it all away
I’m still the same

Cause when it all boils down at the end of the day
It’s what you do and say that makes you who you are
Makes you think about, think about it doesn’t it
Sometimes all it takes is one voice