February 2015 – iamsarahmichal

Hazel is 89 days old. In these 89 days, I have managed to feel like superwoman half of the time and superfailwoman the rest of the time.

Through my tears, while dealing with the frustration and fear of adequately providing nourishment for my tongue-tied baby and at the same time figuring out what being a mother to two kids looks like, I have had two overarching thoughts:

I am not God.

-and-

God trusts me.

They seem to clash, those two thoughts, don’t they? If I were a perfect being, would I trust me? If I could laugh in my own face at such a ridiculous question, I would. NO. I would most certainly not trust me. I fail daily and in such absurd ways.

Yet, God does. He has trusted me with two precious souls- little humans who make this earth more vibrant with their every glance in my direction. Two sets of eyes who brighten at the sight of mine; two smiles who could not make happier the spirit of a free man who hasn’t seen the sun in a decade of years. These precious beings who are more valuable than gold, He trusts me with them. He has given them to me as gifts, for safe keeping.

Me. A flawed, impatient and easily-overwhelmed woman. I do not have within me, on my own strength, the ability to be a flawless mom; it seems as if the harder I try, the more apt I am to miss the Super Mother bull’s eye completely.

My best days are like dirty rags compared to His everlasting character. Perfection stooped down to deficiency. A king giving audience to a beggar.

Have I made my point clear? In comparison to His faultlessness, I am below the lowest. And He chooses to trust me.

So why do I have such a hard time trusting Him?

Oh, how thankful I am for God’s perfection! As I have cried because I cannot figure out why my baby is fussy, completely ignorant of very easy solutions… As I have torn through my neighborhood, looking for my son and desperate for knowledge beyond my limited own…

This definition of motherhood has taken on a bit of a new image, for me. I see so clearly the areas of my weakness and, in contrast, where He is strong. I want to take those times of hands upturned in frustration, a cry of exhaustion brimming at my lips, and instead turn it into acknowledging how needy I am for His intervention. And accepting the help which comes straight from His endless source fulfillment to fill in and uplift where I am lacking.

i looked and looked but couldn't find the source for this image! — i looked and looked but couldn’t find the source for this image!

I thank God for never not knowing the solution to my pain; for never losing track of me; for never being ignorant of my hurt. I am not God. I can trust God because He IS perfection. And even beyond the degree of my imperfection, is God’s goodness, love, mercy, peace- His superior knowledge of things to come, things hidden, and things behind. I am never lost. I am never forgotten. MY CHILDREN will never fall between the cracks.

Because God IS.

It’s February 7th and I haven’t heard a peep about New Year resolutions from anyone on my Facebook newsfeed.

Why is that? Maybe because resolutions are just a last ditch attempt to make the previous year worth something? Because it’s sooo harrrrd to come up with a definite plan of action when you have no idea what a whole 365-day trip around the sun will bring.

“I vow to work-out three days per week.”
“I will write every day.”
“I will not eat donuts.”

But then you get sick, miss your workout days, feel too blurry-eyed and uninspired to write, and really only want a Krispy Kreme to make every thing feel better, right? Or am I the only person that has ever happened to?

Anyway, this idea of a yearly theme has entered my life by way of Pastor Mark Batterson of our church, National Community Church. He picks a word every year, to be the theme of his year. The word will be something he looks for, practices, and/or applies to daily life.

Bruce suggested to me a word for our life, together and individually.

I love words. Words are my pillows at the end of a long day, when I need something on which I can rest. They are my daily nourishment- I soak in each opportunity to experience a batch of freshly baked, sweet-smelling words. So this idea seemed like a pretty sweet deal and something I could easily apply to my year.

And then I just dropped the ball- having no idea which word to choose. Until January 29 when I opened my Jesus Calling devotional for a desperate word from God.

Since Hazel has been in this big world, I have been overcome with anxiety. I felt as if her wellbeing were precariously teetering on the edge of disaster and any little mistake I made would send her over the edge. I am worried about her weight gain, immune system, tongue-tie, sleep habits, my milk supply. Everything has me wrapped in a ball of foreboding and on the edge of tears, constantly. I do apply some responsibility to our first pediatrician; I feel as if he gladly fear mongered and guilted us into a place of paranoia, but I let that voice of fear have more attention than the voice of peace.

I began to look over the chronology of my life and slowly realized I have given fear a megaphone for most of my adult years. Why?? Why do I listen to fear so closely and dismiss any other voices? I often become paralyzed and practically huddled in a fetal position as fear beats my heart relentlessly.

And I have asked myself this question more than once in regards to both of my children: If God trusted me enough to give me these beautiful souls- He has TRUSTED me with their lives and their spirits- why can’t I trust Him in the same way??

My Jesus Calling devotional spelled it it for me:

“My Peace is the treasure of treasures: the pearl of great price. It is an exquisitely costly gift, both for the Giver and the receiver. I purchased this Peace for you with My blood. You receive this gift by trusting Me in the midst of life’s storms. If you have the world’s peace—everything going your way—you don’t seek My unfathomable Peace. Thank Me when things do not go your way, because spiritual blessings come wrapped in trials. Adverse circumstances are normal in a fallen world. Expect them each day. Rejoice in the face of hardship, for I have overcome the world.”

If you are thinking, at this point, that peace is the word I chose, then you’d be wrong.

Brave.

This is the word I’ve chosen to be the theme of my 2015. I want to be brave in the face of fear because I now know the difference between superficial peace and real peace.

Bravery doesn’t just make the problem go away- which is something with which I’ve really struggled. I know life is filled with trials and bad days. I know I’m not an exception and I shouldn’t expect everything to go my way- but I REALLY WANT TO. It’s a pipe dream, I know. What kind of person would I be if I never had to deal with hardship? A spoiled, shallow person. Yes.

In 2015 I will not necessarily welcome bad days or fearful situations. I will not pray for God to take away the pain or the disappointment or the hardships. Instead, I will ask Him to make me Brave enough to make it through and, hopefully, on the other side, I will find myself with a new shiny aspect of character, reflecting what God has shown me.

Month: February 2015

i am not God

You Make Me Brave