depersonalization.

what it is: “a disorder marked by periods of feeling disconnected or detached from one’s body and thoughts. The disorder is sometimes described as feeling like you are observing yourself from outside your body or like being in a dream,” according to Google.

what it is not: fun. healthy. easy. contagious. easily remedied.

what it feels like: Google has it technically right. but experiencing it isn’t as easy as describing it. describing it isn’t easy, either. bear with me as i try to find words that don’t make me sound as clinically insane as i feel.

you know in the matrix, in that scene where Mr. Anderson is in his boss’ office and he’s watching the guy clean the window? Mr. Anderson is watching things around him and technically, he is not real, not in the world of the matrix. he has just been inserted into the scene and really isn’t connected in any way. the feeling of that scene is every “something here is not real” and it leaves the audience with a sense of unease. (i just re-watched that scene and i’m rethinking the correlation, but i’m going to leave it here because every time i try to explain depersonalization, it’s what is in my mind so it must make sense in a way.)

unease and not real is what i feel when i experience a “dp” attack. my vision gets very narrowed, my hearing goes a little fussy, almost as if i’m in a room with really epic padding. i feel myself, my actions, from outside of myself. i doubt my very existence- as if with one misplaced breath, i will be gone. because i am not real. my heart races at that thought and i begin to hyperventilate, trying to think of anything but the thought that is consuming me: i am not real. how can this be real.

please, i know it sounds melodramatic. and if i were reading this without ever experiencing, it would probably shrug a little and feel pity for the writer. but it’s so much more than that. it is terrifying, concerning, overwhelming, consuming.

why i’m writing about it: about 20 years ago, in my developmental prime, a traumatic event occurred. unfortunately, even though this traumatic event was cut short, it left a mark. as i grew older, other traumatic experiences sat themselves upon it and together they created this large, shapeless mass in my mind and soul. but i never knew what exactly it was or even if it was a thing. i thought i was unstable or oppressed and i needed to deal with it. by prayer. by facing the feeling head on. by distraction. by more prayer. nothing worked, though, because the problem wasn’t the depersonalization- it’s what caused the depersonalization that needs to be addressed.

at this time in my life, i’m not ready to talk about the parts of my life that created dp. one day i think i will be okay enough to share all of my story.

that’s my goal, for my story to just be a story- for dp to be a thing i once struggled against.

what i’m doing now: three weeks ago i began counseling with a professional. it spurred one of the most intense episodes of dp i’ve had so there’s definitely anxiety riding in the passenger seat of this journey. i know it’s going to get a little worse before it gets better. today, i feel brave enough.