sarahmpagano – Page 4 – iamsarahmichal

pros, cons

what i love about japan:

– the old men are adorrrrrable. i want to hug them all. but i won’t because they’re probably ancient and will break.
– in october, a certain tree explodes with little bunches of orange blossoms and fill the air with their most amazing scent. the only thing i can use to describe this sweet smell is pez- it smells the way pez tastes. you can’t escape from it; you don’t want to. it’s the best thing about fall. and i have a feeling fall will be my favorite season around here.
– watching the old people tend their farms.
– fish markets.
– the produce. pineapples are so sweet. they have kiwi berries! and you can pretty much guarantee whatever you eat will be devoid of toxins and junk.
– thrift stores. ohhemmgee, i have missed thrifting. when you walk into a thrift store in japan, you just know you’re going to find some ancient, priceless relic. or some out-of-this-world fashion disaster waiting to pounce on your unsuspecting but adventurous sense of style. <— hasn’t happened to me, yet. thank God.
– pear green tea. srsly, you haven’t lived until you’ve had this tea. i plan on mixing it with my kombucha the moment i lay my hands on a SCOBY.
– finding horrible, scary, tasty, weird candy and snacks. my most favorite has been the melon shake (it’s like they shoved a cantaloupe/honeydew melon hybrid into a can and my life will never be the same. ever.) or their version of caramel popcorn. imagine: packing peanuts shaped like macaroni, tasting like caramel goodness.
– the look on the japanese faces when mal bows and says, “domo arigato”. they are so impressed and he is so proud of himself.
– the simple fact that it is october 9th and only just beginning to cool down. seventy-three degrees just 73 days before christmas?! yes, please! also, that whole matching 73 thing was totally coincidence.
– new friends and new community. it’s harrrrrd being the new girl. luckily, i’m not the only new girl and everyone has been gracious and welcoming.
– my culture club! once a month, my group of about eight spouses gets together with the same number of japanese women (some of them have been part of this culture club since the 1940s!) to share our culture and form friendships. d’awwww. <3

what i do not love about japan:

– cicadas. or, as it’s pronounced in australia, cicawdas. anyway. you guys, the noise they make? ear-splitting. and when you have hundreds of them calling to their lovers and engaging in adult cicada activity? grosss and ear-splitting. and when you have all of that at three-o’clock in the morning? alien invasion. i kid you not.
– their disdain and fear of tattoos. yeah, dude. i made my four-year-old get a tattoo. and join a gang.
– street signs. they read like sentences. so, you’ll see six posted signs (in, say, two rows of three) pretty much just telling you not to park on the street and please go 30kph. also, traffic is like never-ending rush hour.
– when the my look of total confusion is ignored and the little, japanese lady behind the counter continues to blab on as if i am also japanese and understand every word she says. awkward, “ummmm” *signs something to show I DO NOT UNDERSTAND* “ummmm.” moment is awkward.
– squatty potties. nuf’ said.
– it takes one hour to drive 30 miles. because there are stop lights on every.single.block.
– the distance i am from all my friends and loved ones in the states. you’re still in my heart and thoughts! love you!

I’m MOM enough

I’m a little late to jump on this Are You Mom Enough? train. So, excuse me if it seems like this dead horse should be buried, already; I’d just like to weigh in and it seems a perfect opportunity to show the blog a lil love.

Like a lot of women, I suspect, I saw the cover of the Time magazine in all its controversial glory and I thought, “I so DO NOT agree.” How silly I still am, sometimes- judging things by their cover. I’m working on that, though, I promise.

Next, I leaned solely on those Facebook status updates by all of the powerful-women-pages and friends to help shape my seriously lacking opinion; liking and guffawing along with the rest of the world about the ridiculousness of such an article; of such a picture; of such blatant attention mongering. Time Magazine sure did their job, didn’t they? Shock value really is worth its weight in gold. It’s sad, really, that I almost passed up a bit of reading- which turned out to be very encouraging- for such petty reasons.

Through the suggestion and subsequent prodding of my counselor, I bought the electronic article for our iPad (which is the same price as the paper edition, btw). Do you know, the cover isn’t even the main argument of the article? In fact, it takes up less than an entire sentence- the idea of a mother breastfeeding into toddler years, that is.

I found it to be a short biography of Dr. Sears and his wife garnished with Attachment Parenting. And here are my thoughts:

I am a supporter of Attachment Parenting. While I would not consider myself an extremest, I do agree with the majority of the points the article made. I nursed my Malachi until he was 22 months old; my choice to nurse him until then came from the depths of my heart. Our life was in a huge upheaval and I felt that offering him the comfort of breast was the best way to his feeling secure. I also felt secure and comforted; I can say that now, unabashed.

I do not agree in the slightest that attachment parenting has a negative impact on any child. Every once in a while, Malachi will burst into tears as I am on my way out the door to run an evening errand (this happens after he comes back from being away. Coincidence? I think not.) and beg me not to leave him. My immediate response is to bring myself to his level, wrap my arms around him, pull him into me, as close to my heart as possible, and tell him with fierce passion, “Malachi. Mama willnever leave you. I will always come back to you.” And he knows this promise will not be broken. Why am I so sure? Because Ihave made sure he has been attached to me, to my heart, from the moment he entered this world.

Malachi and I co-slept until he was 2 1/2. By the time I felt he was ready for his own bed, he was ready, too; and the transition was flawless. Why? Because we spent 2 1/2 years of nights tangled up and just as many mornings lingering in daybreak cuddles.

At the same time, I know the value in a little independence. I am aware that the man he will turn into relies heavily on the boy that he is; my job is to let go, little by little, until the time comes for him to step out into the world- only not physically attached to me. But, how does secure independence come without secure dependence? It’s no fluke that mother and child are physically bonded from the moment of conception. It’s no fluke that child cannot survive without mother’s milk. There’s a certain passion and fierce protection that lies dormant in woman’s blood until the moment she becomes a mother; and I feel Attachment Parenting goes hand-in-hand with her heart-led desire to see her child reach every potential she ever dreamed for him. And, personally, I’d be damned if anyone in this world required that I love my son less or only as much as they think I should.

In all, these are the lessons I learned from reading what I initially avoided (and also from other readings which came as a result of my digging a bit more into the idea of Attachment Parenting):

Don’t judge a magazine by its cover; you may just be enlightened.

I am absolutely right in the way I love my son; because I was created to love him with a fierce devotion.

Each woman will know to which degree her child will benefit from Attachment Parenting. It can’t be made into a formula or applied straight from the textbook to every child; knowledge and understanding is contained in the heart.

Every mom is “mom enough” regardless of whether or not she agrees with Attachment Parenting; because every mom’s heart is invested into her child more than she would ever be able to translate into words.

God very well may be re-shaping this image I have of him with the way I understand Attachment Parenting. After all, it was He who clearly told us:

“I will never leave you or forsake you… see? I have written you on the palms of my hands; though a mother may forget the child nursing at her breast, I will never forget you.” (Joshua 1:5, Isaiah 49:15-16)

Selah.

P.S. If you want to check out Time Magazine’s issue on your own, you can download the app to your iPad here (it doesn’t work on iPod :\). Or if you live nearby, I’d be happy to let you read my copy. 🙂

beautiful things

God, i need you to reshape my image of you. this impression that i’ve had of you, that is not truly you, i’m sorry for allowing it to affect how i approach you and let you speak to me.

these faltering friendships that make my heart heavy- i’m sorry that i’ve seen you as an unfaithful friend; unfair and apathetic. i need you to show me your faithfulness and concern for my heart.

these experiences of emotional abuse, manipulation and abandonment- they weren’t you. they were flawed humans, unaware of their actions toward me. that wasn’t you. you wouldn’t leave me to fend for myself or use my pain for your own, selfish advantage. please, show me that you are my hero; that i can find you and that you would scour the earth to find me.

those times when i felt second to everything; when i thought my needs weren’t as important or my time not as worthwhile- that wasn’t you. please, reveal to me how desperate your heart is for me. i need to know.

these images that i’ve plastered to you- they aren’t you. you aren’t human; your knowledge isn’t human; your love isn’t human; your power isn’t human. i need you to prove these blurry impressions wrong, so wrong. i need you to reshape my idea of who you are.

these desires in my heart that are going unmet, unanswered- i need to know that the silence isn’t because you don’t care. i know you can; i need to know you want to.

make me new. remake my idea of you. i need you to.

trudging through life

When I see the word “trudging” I think of two things: hardship and perseverance. I haz both.

On so many levels, life is touuugh right now. I’ve been facing so many unknowns, lessons and changes that I’m quite literally being approached, from every angle, by a different challenge that I don’t necessarily accept with open arms. Am I surprised? Not really. Life had been going pretty well; I suspected it was time for a little downhill after so much uphill. I hate hiking.

When life gets this way, I tend to go mostly numb (read: no blogs, no Facebook, no new creations) and that makes it even more difficult to cope… to persevere.

Bruce and I received orders to move to Japan. Am I excited? That’s an understatement. I.am.ecstatic. And scared sh**less. For reals. This is the thing I’ve been dreaming of, another chance to travel. To show my boy the wonders of culture, nature, and life. If only it were that easy. I feel like I’ve been offered a silver platter of all my favorite foods, but to pick a morsel up and nibble on it, I have to maneuver my way through boobie traps and spiders. Because, there’s nothing more scary than spiders in your food. Am I right or am I right?

Let’s just say that as I’m reaching for an especially yummy looking piece of Japanese goodness, two spiders eyeball me. And, just like in Harry Potter, they talk. They threaten me with the two things I’m most afraid of: another custody battle and huge change. Recoiling is not an option. I’m fighting those very battles right now.

You know, I used to think I was pretty on top of my game. I thought I knew how to be married. I don’t. I thought I was a pretty good communicator. I’m not. I thought I knew what the future holds. Clearly, I’m more ignorant. I thought I knew myself pretty well. Turns out I’m a heckofa lot more complicated. It’s not a fun revelation, seeing yourself differently.

My list is a little longer than this blog has room for. But I keep reminding myself what Charlie Chaplin said, “Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.” Things will change (I guess I should eventually get used to that idea if I ever want to be less stressed); people will change (including moi); things will get better. They will.

You remember that for yourself, too, k? K.

This man

There’s this man I know. He’s my husband and he’s everything I could have ever asked for. Let me give you a few of the countless reasons why I couldn’t do life without him.

He loves Jesus. And it’s the most important thing in our marriage. His love and passion for our God is what keeps both of us centered, grounded and focused. He pursues a relationship with Jesus all on his own and encourages me in mine. I love being able to talk to him about what we believe and have someone to bounce ideas off of or confirm interpretations with; he’s so full of knowledge and understanding.

He’s a family man. Hanging out with the guys; going to games or hunting on the weekends; being completely independent from the rest of us isn’t even on his radar. In fact, I usually have to convince him to find his Me Time. Why I love this? Because it means we’ll always be center stage in his life- something not a lot of families are privileged to experience.

He knows me. Not just knows me but continues to learn me- with effort. I have no problem admitting that I’m a complicated creature and don’t even know myself, sometimes. This man has made it a pastime to learn me. He listens to what I say- even to the point that I don’t remember what I’ve told him, but he does. This makes my heart patter beyond all explanation.

He is a leader. Life will eventually present some big decisions that we’ll need to make. I’ll embrace those seasons of change and challenge because I know the desire that my husband has to lead our family. He doesn’t do anything flippantly. I cannot even tell you the weight he puts on himself to lead and take care of our lives. It’s a burden that I can actually see resting on his shoulders, at times. But, he does it with integrity, courage and strength. And I will always trust him with my life, my heart, because of him. And he doesn’t just lead our family- one of the things I love most about him is how he is able to lead others, in love, and pour into those who need to follow.

He spoils and serves me. Within the last seven months, I have blossomed in ways that I wasn’t able to, before. My creativity has flourished and it’s because I feel safe and spoiled next to my husband. Basically, we bought our house and he gave it to me to make it a home. I know he would do anything for me- literally. It’s hard to put this little point into words because his spoiling me goes beyond tangible gifts; his heart for me enables me to just relax and be myself. I’m able to enjoy us because he has made it so.

He accepts my boy as his own. Mal adores his step-dad. He follows him around the house; he asks for him constantly; he loves playing with him. This is because Bruce invests in him and he values discipline. My boy is turning out to be a great kid; I’m so proud of him. And I absolutely know that the reason Malachi will continue to become a great kid, a great teen and an amazing man is because of mine.

I could go on and on and on and…. you get the point. These are the areas that brighten my heart the most. I’m so beyond blessed; I’m so full of love; I’m so happy. And it’s all because of this man who I call ‘Husband’ who loves me eternally.

“Real Christians don’t sin.”

Seven years ago, when I was elbow deep in Bible school, a man stumbled into my place of work. He was drunk. Like,smashed and probably had been for a long time. With my sense of self and faith, I walked right over to him where he sat, slumped really, at one of our tables. Over his own mumbling I told him, “Sir, you just need Jesus.” Yep. That’s what I said.

“Excuse me,” a lady scolded, “This man does not need Jesus. He needs help getting sober and a place to stay for the night.”

Needless to say, that shut me right up. Obviously, the guy did need a savior or he wouldn’t be where he was. But what the lady told me jarred me right into reality and I don’t think that her words were uttered for no reason; they certainly have stuck with me like super glue ever since.

Sometimes, I feel like Christians today have their heads too far up in… the clouds. We use Jesus like He’s a pill that we can take and within a tv episode’s length, all of our problems will be solved. And if not? Then it must not have been God’s “will” to help us or something is wrong with us enough to justify our sufferings. This makes my stomach turn just writing about it. I don’t think anything could be farther from the truth.

What good does it do to offer a man a sliver of faith and no real help that he can attach himself to?

Jesus told this story. “There was once a man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he was attacked by robbers. They took his clothes, beat him up, and went off leaving him half-dead.

Luckily, a priest was on his way down the same road, but when he saw him he angled across to the other side. Then a Levite religious man showed up; he also avoided the injured man.

“A Samaritan traveling the road came on him. When he saw the man’s condition, his heart went out to him. He gave him first aid, disinfecting and bandaging his wounds. Then he lifted him onto his donkey, led him to an inn, and made him comfortable. In the morning he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take good care of him. If it costs any more, put it on my bill—I’ll pay you on my way back.’

“What do you think? Which of the three became a neighbor to the man attacked by robbers?”

“The one who treated him kindly,” the religion scholar responded.

Jesus said, “Go and do the same.”

The whole foundation of Christianity is reality. God saw our sin (saw it and acknowledged it), knew that we needed a savior (not just an abstract, theorectical one) and provided Him. Jesus actually came down to earth, in real, human form and died on a real, bloodied cross. YES, people need Jesus. But they also need our tangible help.

When I was at my lowest point in my walk with Jesus, I was grappling for help for something that I could attach myself to and remain there for dear life. And what hurt me the most was when a “Christian” would tell me, “Just cast your burden on Jesus.” And I wanted to scream backHooooowwww?! Don’t get me wrong, those words held absolute truth, but they did nothing for me. I didn’t know how to cast any part of the burden I had. You know what would have helped? An hour of talking and crying and empathy. Even if there were no answers to my questions.

Those “religious leaders” are today’s Christians that give us a bad rap.

What I’m specifically referring to is this: I would rather be a Christian that is grounded in reality and still clings to Jesus. So that when someone who may not know Jesus or may not know Him well, can come to me when they’re sick or in a rough place and KNOW I will not give them some “super spiritual” answer along the lines of, “You’re sick? Oh, you must have sin in your life!” (read: I’m waaay more spiritual than you, since I don’t have cancer.)

“You’re depressed? You have serious issues in your life? Honey, just cast your cares on the Lord.” (read: I have no real answer for you, so I’m going to give you an answer that sounds pretty good but provides no real help.)

Telling a homeless, drunk man on the street that He just needs Jesus. NO! He needs a place to stay, help recovering from his addiction and ALSO Jesus.

This is the “super spiritual” I am talking about. Those people are all soft soap and nothing solid.

They preach love but have no real concern for the PEOPLE who look to them, hoping to see that outstretched arm that points to JESUS.

I couldn’t care less about seeming to people that I have it all together- I want to show that I am just as human and struggling in this fallen world as anyone else is. The only difference is that I have The Rock to stand on and I have a foundation that is firmly planted. I just want to be the kind of Jesus Follower that proves the stereotype wrong. The kind of Jesus Lover that my friends see and know there is a solid difference.

Really, I could type a few blogs about the different aspects of this issue. Maybe I might…

Love, The Proudest Mama

Image credit: Charity Remington Photography

It’s my baby’s birthday. I can’t believe that at this time, three years ago, I was less than two hours away from being introduced to a tiny human being that I would fall in love with so hard. I’ve described having a child as the greatest gift God has given to me, second only to salvation. My little gift, Malachi, has been center-stage in my life since that day.

His laugh ignites a spark in my heart that brings the laughter to my own lips; bubbling up from my depths like a spring of water deeply buried. I cannot help but join in to his fits of giggles. To not do so would be to waste a moment of purest joy. The kid has an awesome sense of humor.

I cannot describe to you the warmth that spreads in my heart when he sidles up to me and says, “Mama, you’re a princess.”

When he wants to be called Supermanboy, I have no intention of calling him by any other name. Because Supermanboy fits him so well. I can see in him the potential and strength to be anyone and anything he chooses to be.

Now that he’s talking non-stop, I fully intend on whipping out my journal to record any quips he comes up with. Even the ones that make me want to hide in a hole- you know, those thoughts that come flying out in public and you can’t shush them fast enough? I’m excited even for those.

I have so many high hopes for my Malface. I cannot wait to see his gifts and inner talents float to the surface so I can teach him to embrace who God has made him to be. I will do anything short of sin for him- to make sure that he knows that God has created him, that he is wonderfully made, that the plans for his life are big and directed by the Creator of the Universe. If there’s anything I do as a parent that I want to outshine all the other things, it’s instilling in my son the knowledge of Jesus. The love of Jesus. Malachi will know who is God is and he will know how good God is.

Mal will always know how proud I am of him. He will never question that with each right-of-passage, with each milestone that he reaches I will be there to cheer him on like an insane sports fan.

And this is what I’ll pray over him, every day:

“I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God.”

Malface, Mama loves you more than you’ll ever know. I hope that your day is awesome, full of laughter and delight. I hope that you know that you’re loved no matter where you are. Be safe as you celebrate your third anniversary of being the coolest kid on the planet. I love your face big.

♥ The proudest Mama

Jesus loves me, this I know.

At church on Sunday, Pastor Jeff spoke on the Love of Christ. A quote he used was from Robert Frost, “Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.” as well as a commonly-used verse from Romans 8, “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” As I was sitting there reading this scripture, along with the rest of the people, my mind began to think of a new way to view this verse. I’ve often thought, I KNOW nothing can separate me from the love of God. I know that there’s nothing I can do that would take His love away from me. But, sometimes, I don’t feel the depth of His love. Or I don’t understand how faithful His love is.And then the clouds parted a little bit and I read the verse a different way. Enter Sarah’s translation:

“I am convinced that God’s love is always surrounding me, always close to me, always sustaining me. Neither death nor life will cause His love to lessen; neither angels nor demons can cause His love for me to diminish; neither my fear of today or my worry of tomorrow will cause His love to falter. Not even the powers of hell can cause God’s love to depart from me. No power in the sky above or in the earth below are strong enough to make His love weak; His love will always be close to me. Indeed nothing in all creation will ever be able to cause the love that Jesus feels for me to become dim or become anything less than intense, desperate and ever-lasting.”

Step aside, Eugene Peterson. <—— He wrote The Message Bible. Heh. Even though I have no issue believing that I am wholly loved, it still makes my insides turn with joy when I think that the One who hold all things in the palm of His hands loves me and loves me enough to communicate His love to me. Even in a way like this. When I pray, He talks back and I think why don’t I do this more often? It’s so obvious to me that His desire for me is irresistible. But, I let things from life get in the way and fog up my memory of just how great His love is. It’s not necessarily that I think He doesn’t love me when something doesn’t go my way or when I go through a hard time… but when I don’t give Him that platform to speak into my heart, I forget that He longs to make it known just how much He loves me. His love is infinitely more intimate or ever-lasting than my own love for Him is or ever will be.

This is me just allowing these thoughts to pour out onto this blog as that verse sinks a little deeper. See the little girl in that picture? Without hesitation, I can tell you that she’s me. That’s the way I imagine myself when I think of the love that I feel for Jesus and coming from Jesus. Because I know she wouldn’t be gazing upward in that way if He weren’t gazing right back at her with a love that goes beyond all comprehension- that surpasses a logical or just description. We love Him because He first loved us. Because He will always love us. Because His love for us is perfect; it’s deeper than the ocean; it’s all-consuming like a fire; it’s stronger than gravity; it’s gentle and sweet but also jealous and intense.

How could I ever let a love like that go? Basically, He will never letme go. Wow.